Who are real…..friends?

So here I am at my best friends wedding, not marriage, they have been married about a year. But here we are, I am miserable! The only time I can let loose and be myself is when I give myself permission to block out my family. Yes, she doesn’t see me as big as I am. She doesn’t see me broken and lost. She just sees tammy. When we are alone she looks at me. And I come out of hiding. She knows I have pain, she had pain too sometimes but she forgives and I hold on. She is an amazing lady. Strong mother and woman. Dealing with the world as it comes her way. I’m proud to be her friend. I love her!


Lust is wanting, what is it you want? Tell me what you lust? Be honest, are you a Woman lusting the touch of a man, are you a man lusting the scent of a woman? Oh yes that’s what comes to mind.

But maybe some of us lust after different things, like a hug. Or just simple praise of a job well done from someone we look up to. Maybe a kiss from the man she loves. Who knows? Who tells? Who’s listening anyway? 

Would you hear the kid say they need love? Would you hear their heart? Can you see their eyes so sad? Answer their tears. Give someone a hug! 


So I realize everyone is different. Yes everyone has their own personality, strut and sense of humor. We all are made individually unique! But its amazing how the more unique you are the less you are accepted.  People ask weird questions, or just wait for you to do something……..

Well here it is, I have always been different. I have always kept my mouth shut about it. I have always known I knew things that other people didn’t knows. How? I don’t know! What kind of things? Good question! Well just people things…..when I see people I see beyond their mask. I can see their happy. I can see sad or lonely through a smile. I can see when little kids fear someone from abuse. I can see when two people truly are in love. I can see hurt, and sometimes I feel the hurt in my heart and I cry. I might not cry right then but I will cry later. I have to get it out! I see an ambulance sometimes and I cry for the family. Do you do that? What would you do if you knew someone who did? Could  you be understanding?

Passion is an important thing in my life. Passion in my work, and in my play! I have passion in my art, my clothes, my kiss and my touch. If you kiss me with no passion I don’t understand the kiss, even if it’s a peck on the cheek. if you touch me with no passion it annoys me to no end! Even small touches, I want to feel meaning, you can’t hide emotion from me. When people smile at me and it’s just empty, It actually hurts my feelings a little bit. I try not to let it because they don’t know that I can tell they are just doing it!

I love to play, but I can’t play with someone who is dishonest. I cant tease someone who is rude to me. I have a great sense of humor that can be misunderstood easily, I am told! I love to help people, and I try to guard my self but get hurt all the time. I have found that as a woman I am a great actor but I can only act so long. When my heart hurts, it just does, and I need someone to hold me and let me cry it out.  You cant fix it see. It’s just who I am Its my heart overflowing some pain. hold me with passion. And tell me you care.




There’s a boot, I think to myself. Is that a boot? It is. There’s only one. How can there be one boot alone left at a mini mall that’s half empty? Someone only has one boot. Do they only have one foot? So this is where they chose to leave their unneeded boot? Strange I say! 

Day after day I pull into my home away from home. Day after day my eyes search for that boot, curious about its story. Day after day it has moved! Who is moving that boot? Is it the owner of the boot? Coming back to place it here and there?

Is it weird that I want the boot? That I want to give it a new life? But it is not mine to have. I can’t just take it. It feels wrong to just take it. And I don’t know if it’s gross or what, so I’m kind of scared of the actual reality of the boot.

The mini mall has been bought, the new owner is supposed to clean it up and make it beautiful. They will throw away the boot!!! It’s In The parking lot now. Oh no! I don’t know what to do.

I somehow feel an emotional attachment to the boot. We both have lived, aged and have a place to dwell. But are we just posing or being posed to please someone else. Is our dwelling surrounding us with things that make us feel complete. Do the people around us know what would complete us? Do they care what makes our hearts dance. Well a boot isn’t alive, I know that. That’s not my point. 

I thought I had my other boot, my mate, until he started letting the truth slip out, and I listened. * I knew you were damaged and I had work to do when we got married. * I don’t want to understand your feelings. * you feel to much. * your Grandma died, well you didn’t know her. * your delusional when you think of yourself as a mother because you were not that good.

Of course these things are all followed by I love you’s. But tell me, can you take things like that back? NO! You can’t! watch what you say, words are mean, they can hurt deeply! So I think my mystery boot is going to go to a new home. And yes that makes me sad. But many people in my life are only here until they are gone. Once they know my they leave. Or I push them away. Fear of liking to much and I’m out. Fear of hurting and I’m out. Why cause if I think it’s going to be great I get scared. What if it is? Then what? Then I find my secret matching boot? 

Will I rescue the boot? Time will tell. I might be to late!

UPDATE……both of there boots are now in a better place, and let me tell you how this came to be. Someone moved the boot closer to the salon. Then it was closer to the pizza place. Then it was gone, GONE, GONE! I was panicking I couldn’t find it, I was sad. I went into the salon and began taking trash out. When I got to the dumpster, I saw the boot, there it was in the dumpster and I had to get it out! 

I went into the shop pacing around and tried to think of a way with out getting in the dumpster. I should just let it go, an old boot. Just let it go! But I couldn’t. So I got a broom and went out and fished it out. Later I cleaned it up and brought one from home I had been saving for a craft and they finally have mates. And they have homes. The boot is rescued by someone who saw it in a different light, and a value that no one else would see. And it’s beauty is showing and it belongs. Welcome home boot!!!

The door to my memory 

There is this incredible door, the door into my Grandparents house. It was a storm door, then of course a wooden door with one square window. The memories I have that include that door. 

I am a little girl, in someone’s arms, we are following Papa towed the door. It’s dark outside. I don’t know who is holding me, but I was safe. Papa turns around and looks at the person holding me and says something. I am not sure but it was a serious conversation. And I did not take my eyes off of Papa!

Days passed and maybe we had visited I don’t know but my next memory is visiting Grandpa and Grandmas house. Here we come bounding in. And Papa was not in his chair! Grandma was in the bedroom right by the living room. Things were weird! They said I could go in, I could see his face. He was in bed, he looked sad and tired. When I got in there I couldn’t stand the smell! I had to leave it was to bad. I was so sad I couldn’t see my papa cause I would throw up. I don’t know what that smell is papa never smelled like that.

Time passed and we were going to see Grandma and Grandpa again. I hope papa was better! We got in the car and we were going the wrong way. Driving and driving until after dark! Mom wouldn’t tell us where we were going. No one would tell us anything. ” do less and see more” come on? What is happening, Jr my big brother and I sat in the back seat talking about it trying to figure it out. But we didn’t know anything!

We finally pulled into this crazy brick building and it was so cold outside. If my memory serves me right. And we all went in this long empty hall. Somehow there was a nurse to help us. I’m telling you this hall was forever! And empty!!! So sad and lonely and all of a sudden there was Papa in his wheelchair coming down the hall. He had a nurse pushing him and tubes all over him. He looked weak and small. So sad, until he saw us then he smiled! I took Jrs hand and he gave mine a squeeze and we started singing songs we had been practicing at church for Christmas. Papa laughed and loved it so we sang more. I was so sad and scared I didn’t know how to touch papa with out hurting him. 

That was the last time I saw him alive…..I do not know the time span of this illness that took my most favorite person on earth, that broke my heart in so many pieces. But it seemed fast and forever. Because he was gone so fast but my heart breaks forever.

Jr screamed out in the night, PAPA! Mom and dad came running. The phone rang, something is wrong but they won’t say it in front of us. They are taking us to their friends. The hairdressers house. Why won’t they tell us. Something is wrong! I don’t like this at all.

Later I was there at a church and I saw papa sleeping in a box. I gave him a rose bud, I was his rose bud. He didn’t smell, and no more tubes, wheelchairs, nurses, or hospitals. Papa must be all better. We all sat down in a pew, Mom, me, jr, Dad.  These guys just carried a big box down the isle. Dad what is that……,, PAPA (I just saw a tear fall from my dads face for the first time in my life). Papa?Papa? Wait? Stop that is papas bed! 

My mom scooped me up and took me to the nursery where I could watch through the glass, that I pressed my little face against crying for my papa through the entire funeral. I vomited and cried continually. No one had thought to tell the 4 yr old little girl that her papa was sick and dying. No one had thought to explain it to me. I was left to figure it out myself. To then grieve in shock with people standing by and stairing watching as my heart was breaking inside my chest. Even receiving spankings as an action to force me to get my grieving under control.

Through my life my hands touched that door many times. If I could I would have that door now. But I have the memories of it nonetheless. 

When is a good time?

My Aunt Patty in law passed away from cancer a week ago today. My husband had a moment of well she was a nice crazy lady and poor mom it’s her last sister and that was all. So In turn that was what he expects of everyone else… you see he is normal. Apparently the only normal person out there. We are supposed to learn to be normal like him. It’s so frustrating that I am the crazy and he is the normal. Are you a normal too? Do you complain about everything other people do when you are in public? If someone is playing and having fun? Or if a woman’s is pregnant and has kids with her? Do u say something rude?

It’s interesting how you change over time and your spouse changes. Mine keeps asking if I’m okay and I try to keep my mouth shut because of the remarks he has for others, I Sure don’t need any of that.

So anyway Aunt Pattie I spent more time with them he did. She was double trouble! That’s what I always told her. Her and I would giggle and laugh. Always up to something!! She brought me roses to the salon, I loved that. I never got flowers just because.

I will miss Aunt Pattie for sure! Sorry we met so late in life. I love you! I really hope you Rest In Peace. Love you!!!